Thoughts of a Runaway
by Erik deSoir
Summary: songfic The Reason. I know, overdone, but hopefully done differently this time. Please see the inside for a better overview of this.


Title: Thoughts of a Runaway

Author: Erik deSoir

Disclaimer: If I owned this, I'd be in Hawaii, not in a basement freezing my toes off.

Pairing: Draco/Harry

Warnings: Hints of a male/male relationship. All narrow-people begone!

Summary: This is about a couple who have spent some time together til one day one of them realizes he's hurting the other and decides to leave. Whether it's Harry or Draco who left is unimportant, it's a break-up.

**Note: It's in regular font, but this is all inner monologues.**

_I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do_

Before the war, we hated each other. It was so obvious, everyone knew, especially us. We plotted and planned to bring the other down. It wasn't until the war was almost over that I saw it. I still can't put a name to whatever it is. It's just that spark, that something you have. Whatever it is, I'm like a moth, drawn to it. When I saw it, I realized how stupid I had been to hate you so. I suddenly found myself craving your attention and time. Of course I berated myself for it. Wasn't I supposed to hate you? So I tried to deny myself these urges and began lashing out even more. Everyone thought I would kill you before the war was done. They all tried to keep me placated. When I had a moment alone, you were running around in my head. I wondered what it would be like to touch you, hold you, feel you, be with you, have your light shine upon me.

_But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you_

After a while, it got to be too much of a hassle to hate you when I had such strong feelings developing. I just gave it up. I tried to be nice. I tried to be a good person. You, at first, slapped my hand like a child reaching for the cookie jar. You didn't trust me. For good reason, I know; we hated each other. _(sighs)_ I think you realized I was done with all that after a while. I noticed you weren't so coarse to me. My heart soared. I felt you had put it behind you, too.

_And so I have to say before I go_

_That I just want you to know_

After the war, we neither of us had a place to go. Neither Muggle nor manor was an option. So together we fearlessly faced the world, hands clasped. It was wonderful, my love. I never felt so brave. We settled together in a comfortable flat. We came to a quaint little routine with enough spontaneity to keep us fresh. Movies, dinners, walks in the park, dances in the rain, nights on the couch, oh, my dear, I was blissfully unaware of anything happening to it.

_I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
And the reason is you_

I loved you so much I couldn't see it. I noticed it far too late and I'm so sorry. It was one of those spontaneous days. We were home, doing nothing. Suddenly I suggested we go out for ice cream and a walk. You got up and got our coats and we headed out the door. I love doing little things like this with you. It's one of those simple things I just can't get enough of. We had gotten the ice cream and were on one of the many bridges we tend to visit. I turned to you as I spoke and faltered. It wasn't there. You turned to me, dead. Dead eyes, dead body, dead. I was speechless. Over the next few weeks, I tried to get it back. I thought maybe the quaint little routine turned sour for you. I took you out more often, said the things I hardly said, did the things I knew you liked and didn't do frequently. It didn't come back.

_I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with everyday_

I didn't know what to do. It didn't come back. I was desperate. I talked to all our friends. They didn't know what to do, either. It finally came to me one night as I looked on your sleeping form. It hurt me so much, but I knew I had to do it. Something about being with me was killing you. You were unhappy, so unhappy. As obvious as our hatred had been, so this misery was obvious. I touched your hair and your face, your arms and your neck. As I traced your moon-splashed body, I said goodbye.

_And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away_

I wish I knew why it happened. As I sit here and think on it, I know I did the right thing. I left that night. I got in touch with everyone and told them what I decided and did not tell them where I was. I wanted you to heal. I wanted it to come back. Maybe then I could face you again. After what I've done to you, though, I don't know if I could stand being in close proximity and not die from heartbreak. I'm so sorry, my love, I'm sorry I've done this to you. I never meant to take you away from yourself.

_And be the one who catches all your tears  
That's why I need you to hear_

I wish so much I could have helped you heal. I want so much to take you in my arms again and tell you how much you still mean to me. I wake up everyday knowing you aren't the same since it left you.

_I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
And the reason is You _

Finally I saw you. I was struck dumb for a moment. It still hadn't come back. As a matter of fact, it look like, if it was possible, that more of it had left you. You were even deader than before. I wondered for a brief instant that I should approach you. But I realized I could not. I had hurt you even more by leaving. What could I say to make it up to you? I kept my distance instead. I think you saw me, though. All of a sudden you were beside me, walking in the streetlights as if you had never left. I glanced at you and saw you looking at me. You didn't look hurt. You didn't look angry. You just were. At last, I said something. I don't remember what, now, it doesn't matter. You smiled and said, "You know, you didn't have to leave." I didn't know what to say to that. You weren't upset at me? "Well," I started, "you weren't the same. I thought I was doing something to make you unhappy. I can't stand to see you that way. I thought maybe if I was out of the picture, you might be better off." You just kept smiling and said, "Stupid git. I love you. How could I be better off without you?" I stopped walking and became conscious that we were standing on the bridge this all started on. You turned to face me, stepped closer and wrapped your arms around me. Something clicked inside me and I grabbed you to me. Relief swept through me and I couldn't stop crying. When you pulled away from me, I saw how beautiful you looked. And when you smiled, I saw it. It had come back.


End file.
